Breathing Slowly
by phoenix-shalimar
Summary: If only...everyone has an If only they wish they had done before it was too late..Kai has a If only but its way too late now theres no going back nothing can be changed...Just something i've been workin on for awhile. R&R please


_'Don't turn the light off and leave me in the dark  
__Hey, I'm pleading, my soul is bleeding  
__I don't want to be left alone,not when im right next to you'_

Max walked through the tangled mess of brambles and leaves ignoring how they scratched and bit at him as he clawed his way through to the other side. Birds could be hurd chirping and singing happily away in the morning sun which was slowly rising higher into the sky. Max walked contemplating everything and everyone.

Small rustling sounds could be hurd deep in the forest bushes small animals: rodents, rabbits, voles, small foxes. They ran around playing with their own kind, gathering, hunting, doing their buisness. A few of them ran infront of the walking teen almost daring to trip him up and seeing if he was worthy enough to walk in amongst there home.

Ignoring the animals around his feet he continued walking almost trance like, the sun rose higher into the sky reaching mid day.

Sweat trickled down the back of his neck as the heat of the day increased. His breathing became laboured and his pace slowed to a crawling walk. Still he did not stop. Sweat poured off him in great waves rolling down his face over his eyes and stinging them. He could taste it on his lips and felt his shirt and pants sticking to him his feet felt on fire in is tennis shoes. Still he walked.

It took almost all his willpower to keep on walking and to not collapse on the ground. His stomach gurgled with hunger pains he ignored it just like the burning thirst in the back of his throat that ached to be relieved.

He stumbled out from underneath the thorny vines that threatened to capture him for themselves and came out onto a sandy ledge. How the sand got up here was beyond his knowledge nor did he at that moment care.

With slow precise movements he made his way towards the edge of the ledge. Looking down he was momentarily blinded by the suns reflection on the water. He could smell the salt air. Almost taste it on his tongue.

The heavy sound of water crashing onto rock reached his ears as seagulls circled over him squaking loudly. The sun high in the sky almost blinded him as he raised his head to the perfectly cloudless sky. Smiling sadly to himself he lowered his head and saw ant size figures running around on the beach.

Max stared out at them for a long time just gazing at them hearing their laughter and muffled voices floating over towards him drifting on the air currents. Looking down he saw the waves continuously crashing on the sharp jagged rocks beneath him.

Silently standing Max did not move nor make a sound his only movement the rapid blinking of his eyes. A single tear escaped from his eye and rolled down to his lips.

He couldnt do this anymore he wanted out why did they have to tease him so much and make fun of him it wasnt his fault right?

They were his friends they said so themselves. So why did they make him feel like he was disgusting and dirty?

If they were truly his friends it wouldnt matter...Right?

A shaky sigh escaped the blonde's lips. Standing high atop the rocky cliff he looked out at the horizon. He had been standing there now for nearly an hour. The sun was dipping lower into the water casting long unnatural shadows to ripple across its smooth green/blue surface.

It was with the slow setting of the sun that all his aches and pains came crashing down on him like the water on the rocks below him. He felt the stinging pain of all the scratches covering his face, arms and legs. His legs ached with a burning need to be released from supporting his weight.

His stomach gave out a loud gurgle reminding him that he hasn't eaten anything all day. Swallowing he felt the swolleness of his tongue and the dryness of his throat licking his lips it felt as if his tongue had been replaced with sand paper and a fire had been lit in the back of his throat.

He silently berated himself for being stupid and foolish to not think of bringing provisions.

With a heavy sigh his shaky legs finally gave way beneath him sending him tumbling to the ground.

He leaned on his hands. Shoulders hunched. Tears leaked out of his once bright blue eyes.

Shoulders shaking. Chest heaving. Tears cascaded down his cheeks. He knew nothing could ever be the same again.

What he did was it so wrong?

All he did was tell the truth to them all, stupidly thinking that they would understand and accept it.

He squeezed his eyes shut just wishing that the pain would all go away. That the dull ache in his heart would finally stop and he could breath.

Raising his head he looked out at the darkening horizon. Making his mind up he stood on his shaky and unsteady legs.

He took a deep breath. Closed his eyes and faced away from the edge.

Slowly he took steps backwards until he felt the edge.

Opening his eyes he tilted his head back and smiled up at the heavens.

-----------------------------

He stared at the cold pale lifeless body lying on the metal slab. A plain white sheet covered his torso. Tears fell past his hardened outter shell slipping down his cheeks and with a plopping sound landed on that very same metal slab.

He couldnt believe it when he had gotten that call, just figured that someone was playing a twisted joke on him and his team.

But then Mr Dickenson called and displayed his condolences with a tear laden voice. 

How a runner had found him. Washed up on the beach shore. Face down. No pulse.

Said that he was such a joy to have around.

He was right. Suddenly everything seemed dull and foreign. Nothing looked right everything held a grey tint to it as if all the happiness had been sucked out of it.

And for him it had.

Shakily he raised his right hand to stroke the hair of the small boy lying lifelessly infront of him. He smoothed it out, away from his forhead like he had wanted to do for some time. But his pride stopped him from doing that.

And now this was the only chance he got. He would never see those bright blue orbs looking over at him sparkling in the sunshine making his world seem brighter. Just seeing those eyes looking at him filled him with such longing and need that it scared him to think what was happining.

So instead of embracing what the small boy was offering he shunned him and pushed him away frightened of what would happen.

And his worst fears came true.

He lost him forever.

The only thing he has left of the younger boy was a small note that was clutched in his hand the last thing the small boy ever left him.

_'Was it so wrong to love you?'_


End file.
